ELISE, 28, NEW HAVEN, CT
Gender Projected
Where are you from? Where do you live now? Have you ever lived anywhere else?
I’m from Waterford, MI; I currently live in New Haven, CT; and I have lived in England, Niger, New Orleans, Thailand, Nicaragua, NYC, Alaska, Colorado, and Seattle.
How old are you?
28
How would you identify your gender?
Cis female.
What presentation made you feel least like yourself? Why?
Tie/business outfit because I have never worn that before. Wearing a tie was super constricting and uncomfortable! I was also wearing a binder, which made me feel a lot less like myself.
What presentation would you be afraid to wear on the street where you live now (if any?) Why?
I don’t think any of them because this area seems relatively friendly, but I also don’t have the experience to really know, so I could be wrong. I feel like college towns are usually pretty open, but this is Yale, so... It has entrenched, long-standing traditions of racism, sexism, and ableism.
What presentation would you be afraid to wear on the street in your hometown or around your family? (if any?) Why?I probably would not dress in the more masculine outfits in my hometown because people there are not very tolerant. However, I do think that my family would support me and be comfortable with me presenting in any of these ways, and that’s a tremendous gift and makes me feel really lucky.
How do you generally present?
It ranges. In general my casual clothes are not very feminine, but I still present as female, just not very ‘girly.’ If I’m dressing up, I dress as very feminine, with make-up, heels, and a dress.
Did you gain any perspective on gender identity/expression in yourself during the project?
I still have a lot to learn about gender expression in myself and others. It’s not something that I think a lot about, mostly because I have the privilege to not have to as a cisgender person. I do think that it’s interesting how much work I put into getting “dressed up”and looking “pretty,” and I did notice that I haven’t worn makeup since the photo shoot.
Did you gain any perspective on gender identity/expression in other people during the project?
Again, I mostly still feel like I have so much to learn. I want to better understand what it feels like to be out in the world as someone who is genderfluid or trans. I wonder if it always feels like people are looking at you/making judgements about you. I know that I would be super curious about what people were thinking about me if I went to go get a coffee or something dressed more masculine. Let alone starting school and forming new relationships, etc. Presenting differently would make me very self-conscious.
Did you tell anyone you were participating and if so what was their response? Will you tell anyone? What do you expect their response to be?
Yes, and everyone was excited to see the photos. I think most people viewed it as “playing dress-up,” which is interesting to me.
In your life, was there another time you explored/experimented with gender identity/expression? If so, what type of experience was it?
From second grade to seventh grade, I dressed as a boy. I had a masculine haircut, I wore clothes from the boy’s section, and I really loved it when people called me “son” or “young man”. I was just more comfortable that way. Then in middle school I started wanting boys to find me attractive, so I changed my presentation.
What words do you feel represent your identity?
Right now I would say “28-year-old cisgender midwestern female nursing student.”
What do you feel is the most salient aspect of your identity? How do you feel that this part of your identity was represented and/or misrepresented in this project?
I try to look and act approachable and friendly, and I smile at basically everyone I walk by on the street. The part that was interesting for this project was that when I was dressed in masculine clothes, I felt like I was having trouble looking friendly. Just because I was in a tie, I felt like I was no longer supposed to smile. What’s that about?
What do you feel is the aspect of your identity that you think about the most? How do you feel that this part of your identity was represented and/or misrepresented in this project?
I think about being white and privileged every day. I’m not sure how much that was represented and/or misrepresented. I guess the fact that I feel safe dressed in any way is a direct manifestation of that privilege.
How do your gender identity and sexuality intersect, if at all? How was that represented/misrepresented in the project?
I am in a long-term committed relationship with a man, so I think that wanting to be attractive to him influences how I look. To that end, I also think that if I were dating women or in a long-term committed relationship with a woman, it would also influence how I look. That being said, my gender identity at it’s core is all mine. My sexuality is more fluid and less fixed than my gender identity, because at the end of the day, regardless of who I am romantically involved with, I love being a woman and looking feminine.
Was there anything about the project that made you feel angry or uncomfortable or other negative emotions? If so, what did you feel and why?
These questions make me feel very uncomfortable. It’s hard to answer them and not wonder if I’m being ignorant in every answer. I want to know so much more and I read and seek out information about what it’s like to have a gender identity different from my own, but I don’t even know the first things about it. I don’t want to be insensitive, and I feel like this questionnaire is showing me how much more I need to learn.